A lot of us are famous for waiting. We wait until the last moment before acting, but it's not because we mean any harm. I doubt anyone ever waited until the night before a paper was due to begin writing it in order to purposely harm their mental health. We just work better under stress, yeah? But this isn't true for all of us. So, why do we do it?
There are a lot of things I'm waiting for and on and to do. I wrote this post in my head over and over, night after night, constantly editing and deleting, but I waited until now to write it down. So it probably won't be nearly as good as it was before in my head, but you can't read my mind, so you'll never know, will you? Unlike a lot of instances, I know why I waited in this case: I wasn't ready. I didn't have time. I was too busy. All of these are of course excuses which could be true in a certain perspective, like the crazy, flailing one I had when I thought I didn't have time. But in a different perspective, I had plenty of time. Right now, with my head clear and my mental flailing down to a minimum, I feel silly for waiting. My reasoning and excuses no longer seem important enough. My act of waiting no longer makes sense. I think this is what worries me.
Retrospect. It's a cool word I learned probably sometime in my seventh grade honors English class. Now it's something I fear. Retrospect. Looking back. Seeing the past from a more stable, wise present. Realizing all of your mistakes. Sometimes we can look back on these blunders fondly and shake our heads at our former ignorance, but sometimes it's not so light a feeling. When we realize our mistakes too late, when our retrospect is delayed, it's not so easy to laugh at our past actions. Instead, we look at our old selves like sad, empty shells. We're ashamed of them and try to look away, but we can't. Because they're so close to us. If we tilt our heads and squint our eyes, those emaciated, dark skeletons of our past become us. And it's so easy to lose yourself in that.
So, what am I waiting for? If I know there is a possibility of being blindsided with the sudden realization of the immensity of my mistakes, why do I insist on waiting? It's a question I can't answer. Sorry. There's no big epiphany here. But that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it takes questioning ourselves to realize we have to change something. Sometimes we have to understand our flaws to fix them.
So, what's the fix for retrospect? Foresight. I used to think it was such a funny thought, the ability to predict the future. Which of course is not exactly what foresight is. I see that now. It's not this magical principle that is impossible to reach. All you have to do is look around. Look at your situation. See yourself. And then take that knowledge and predict an outcome. If I do this, what could happen? If I wait to write this post instead of starting the moment the idea pops into my head, how far from my original idea will the piece turn out to be? Extremely far, as it were, but that's not the point.
The point is, you have to think. It really isn't that hard. You do it all the time. You think about what to do on the weekend. You think about what you should eat, what you should say or write, what to post on your Facebook or Twitter or whatever social network you call home. And you know, when you're about to do something stupid, is a part of yourself saying, "No, please dear God don't do that, because this will happen." Don't wait. Act. You know that. I don't think I have that little voice in my head telling me what is right and what is wrong. Not all of the time. Because I know. I don't have to ask what to do in every single situation because I'm smart enough to know. I know enough to see how stupid waiting is, how damaging it will be. So I choose to act. Which is a lot easier said than done, but that's okay. As long as I'm trying, I'm doing something. As long as I move forward in some aspect, I'm not waiting on past emotions and passions that I've already seen will hurt me in the end. I know what I'm waiting for isn't worth it. And I won't waste any more time trying to convince myself of this. Because I know it already. And I'm done waiting.
There are a lot of things I'm waiting for and on and to do. I wrote this post in my head over and over, night after night, constantly editing and deleting, but I waited until now to write it down. So it probably won't be nearly as good as it was before in my head, but you can't read my mind, so you'll never know, will you? Unlike a lot of instances, I know why I waited in this case: I wasn't ready. I didn't have time. I was too busy. All of these are of course excuses which could be true in a certain perspective, like the crazy, flailing one I had when I thought I didn't have time. But in a different perspective, I had plenty of time. Right now, with my head clear and my mental flailing down to a minimum, I feel silly for waiting. My reasoning and excuses no longer seem important enough. My act of waiting no longer makes sense. I think this is what worries me.
Retrospect. It's a cool word I learned probably sometime in my seventh grade honors English class. Now it's something I fear. Retrospect. Looking back. Seeing the past from a more stable, wise present. Realizing all of your mistakes. Sometimes we can look back on these blunders fondly and shake our heads at our former ignorance, but sometimes it's not so light a feeling. When we realize our mistakes too late, when our retrospect is delayed, it's not so easy to laugh at our past actions. Instead, we look at our old selves like sad, empty shells. We're ashamed of them and try to look away, but we can't. Because they're so close to us. If we tilt our heads and squint our eyes, those emaciated, dark skeletons of our past become us. And it's so easy to lose yourself in that.
So, what am I waiting for? If I know there is a possibility of being blindsided with the sudden realization of the immensity of my mistakes, why do I insist on waiting? It's a question I can't answer. Sorry. There's no big epiphany here. But that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it takes questioning ourselves to realize we have to change something. Sometimes we have to understand our flaws to fix them.
So, what's the fix for retrospect? Foresight. I used to think it was such a funny thought, the ability to predict the future. Which of course is not exactly what foresight is. I see that now. It's not this magical principle that is impossible to reach. All you have to do is look around. Look at your situation. See yourself. And then take that knowledge and predict an outcome. If I do this, what could happen? If I wait to write this post instead of starting the moment the idea pops into my head, how far from my original idea will the piece turn out to be? Extremely far, as it were, but that's not the point.
The point is, you have to think. It really isn't that hard. You do it all the time. You think about what to do on the weekend. You think about what you should eat, what you should say or write, what to post on your Facebook or Twitter or whatever social network you call home. And you know, when you're about to do something stupid, is a part of yourself saying, "No, please dear God don't do that, because this will happen." Don't wait. Act. You know that. I don't think I have that little voice in my head telling me what is right and what is wrong. Not all of the time. Because I know. I don't have to ask what to do in every single situation because I'm smart enough to know. I know enough to see how stupid waiting is, how damaging it will be. So I choose to act. Which is a lot easier said than done, but that's okay. As long as I'm trying, I'm doing something. As long as I move forward in some aspect, I'm not waiting on past emotions and passions that I've already seen will hurt me in the end. I know what I'm waiting for isn't worth it. And I won't waste any more time trying to convince myself of this. Because I know it already. And I'm done waiting.