This is going to be a bit rushed and rough because it is a reflection of sorts, but also because I have to wake up for work in six hours. Maybe it would be more logical to wait until I have more time, but I feel I cannot wait until tomorrow to write this down. So here goes.
Tonight I went to a young adult's bible study held at the house of a couple that attends my church. I've been to this study once before, but I've been skipping it the past few weeks. Work keeps me on my feet for nearly eight hours straight and lately I've been feeling too exhausted to go anywhere when I get home. Driving a half hour to a bible study and getting home late at night has not been something I've felt up to. But tonight I felt the urge to go.
We did the usual bible study thing. Ate food, hung around, sang songs, and discussed some verses. We were looking at a few in Isaiah about making decisions and how to let God lead us instead of giving into pressure from the outside world. It was fairly typical message that I've heard and discussed hundreds of times before.
After the message, we split into small groups to pray out. I sat outside with five other girls and listened to their prayer requests. As I listened, I kept feeling compelled to speak up and share something that has been on my heart for months. Eventually, I did. I told the girls how at peace I felt with being single, even when I'm in a family surrounded by couples. It's wonderful I love that I don't feel the need to be in a relationship and I love having so much time to myself. It sounds like everything is great, right? But, after I shared this and listened to them say how amazing it was, I told them how, despite the security and peace I've been feeling recently, in the past fews months I have felt further away from God than ever before.
I don't hear His voice. I don't see Him working in the little things that happen each day. I don't even feel His presence anymore. I feel like there has been this block keeping me away from Him and I don't understand why it's there and it has been scaring the hell out of me.
So the girls prayed for me and I prayed for them and then we stood up and joined the rest of the group. I quickly said goodbye and made my way to my car, knowing I would regret staying later and sacrificing my sleep.
As I started my car and turned on the radio, I had this really strong desire to listen to worship music. Normally I go straight for the indie/alternative station that plays from Philly, but not tonight. Since I don't have the stations memorized like some people, I started scanning through them as I drove. Then I heard the song "I Can Only Imagine" playing and I stopped and listened to it and sung along. When it ended, I waited for another worship song to play. Only there wasn't one. Just pop music. The next three songs were all pop music. And then came the little radio tagline, where the disc jockey informed me I was listening to 99.5, D.C.'s #1 Hits. Not a station you'd ever hear playing worship music.
Now I know radios glitch all the time. Stations cross and change as you drive and their signals get weaker or stronger. But a part of me really wants to believe there was something else at work here. It's one of those glitches that seem to have a bigger hand in them. One of those little moments of oddness when you think you can feel God working. A part of me really believes it was Him telling me He's still there. Even though my hearing and sight have not been so good lately, He's still there speaking to me. Even through my radio.
Tonight I went to a young adult's bible study held at the house of a couple that attends my church. I've been to this study once before, but I've been skipping it the past few weeks. Work keeps me on my feet for nearly eight hours straight and lately I've been feeling too exhausted to go anywhere when I get home. Driving a half hour to a bible study and getting home late at night has not been something I've felt up to. But tonight I felt the urge to go.
We did the usual bible study thing. Ate food, hung around, sang songs, and discussed some verses. We were looking at a few in Isaiah about making decisions and how to let God lead us instead of giving into pressure from the outside world. It was fairly typical message that I've heard and discussed hundreds of times before.
After the message, we split into small groups to pray out. I sat outside with five other girls and listened to their prayer requests. As I listened, I kept feeling compelled to speak up and share something that has been on my heart for months. Eventually, I did. I told the girls how at peace I felt with being single, even when I'm in a family surrounded by couples. It's wonderful I love that I don't feel the need to be in a relationship and I love having so much time to myself. It sounds like everything is great, right? But, after I shared this and listened to them say how amazing it was, I told them how, despite the security and peace I've been feeling recently, in the past fews months I have felt further away from God than ever before.
I don't hear His voice. I don't see Him working in the little things that happen each day. I don't even feel His presence anymore. I feel like there has been this block keeping me away from Him and I don't understand why it's there and it has been scaring the hell out of me.
So the girls prayed for me and I prayed for them and then we stood up and joined the rest of the group. I quickly said goodbye and made my way to my car, knowing I would regret staying later and sacrificing my sleep.
As I started my car and turned on the radio, I had this really strong desire to listen to worship music. Normally I go straight for the indie/alternative station that plays from Philly, but not tonight. Since I don't have the stations memorized like some people, I started scanning through them as I drove. Then I heard the song "I Can Only Imagine" playing and I stopped and listened to it and sung along. When it ended, I waited for another worship song to play. Only there wasn't one. Just pop music. The next three songs were all pop music. And then came the little radio tagline, where the disc jockey informed me I was listening to 99.5, D.C.'s #1 Hits. Not a station you'd ever hear playing worship music.
Now I know radios glitch all the time. Stations cross and change as you drive and their signals get weaker or stronger. But a part of me really wants to believe there was something else at work here. It's one of those glitches that seem to have a bigger hand in them. One of those little moments of oddness when you think you can feel God working. A part of me really believes it was Him telling me He's still there. Even though my hearing and sight have not been so good lately, He's still there speaking to me. Even through my radio.